Lions, and Tigers, and—!!!!
Keeping Tabs Weekly, Spring 2024
Taken from the Courier & Bulletin daily edition, Stephen, Illinois
By Valerie Lynn, Junior Reporter
Two older students in the Myths & Literature evening class at Prideland Community College engaged in a heated debate Tuesday night that culminated in a call to campus security and more than a half-dozen unverifiable eyewitness accounts.
Professor Mary Tourtel said the class discussion had turned to the topic of venerated animals in various mythologies when one student, 78-year-old Philip Harris of Warrensburg, stated that Ursa Major, the so-called Great Bear among constellations that originates in Greek legends, is considered the most famous bear in mythological literature.
“Nobody disagreed,” Professor Tourtel said. “I don’t think anybody gave it any further thought—until Michaela Bond spoke up.”
Ms. Bond of Unincorporated Macon County, who campus officials describe as a perennial student of more than 30 years’ attendance at Prideland, took issue with Mr. Harris’s stance on Ursa Major’s claim to fame.
“Michaela Bond rightly pointed out that Ursa Major was actually a nymph, Callisto, who was turned into a bear by Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, because of her relationship with Zeus,” Professor Tourtel explained. “Zeus then threw her out into the heavens to protect her from his jealous wife, Hera, at which point Callisto became Ursa Major.”
Ms. Bond then went on, Professor Tourtel said, to say that Orto, king of the animals and leader of the forest in Finnish tales, was certainly the more famous bear in mythology. Ms. Bond added that the bear is, in fact, the national animal of Finland still.
“In no time, things turned ugly,” Professor Tourtel said, an opinion supported by the other eight students in attendance.
“Everything just suddenly got hot,” Alan Alexander said. “I don’t mean, like, tempers. I mean, like, temperatures. The whole classroom felt like it was on fire.”
Students described the sudden appearance of a three-foot-long brownish bear that radiated heat “like a furnace on high,” Mr. Alexander said. Steam seemed to be coming from the animal’s ears. When it emitted a subdued growl, students said, a spattering of a sizzling molten substance splashed one of the desks, burning the seat.
Professor Tourtel said, “Then, Ms. Bond suddenly shrieked, calling Mr. Harris a tree-hugging hippie, I believe it was,, and then yelling, ‘A lava bear! Look at all these young people here! For heaven’s sake, why did your parents even bother trying to have children?’ I’ve never heard her talk like that before. She’s always so…lady-like. Old lady-like.”
Students abandoned laptops in their rush to escape the rising heat as the so-called lava bear sprang from one desk to another, leaving smoldering footprints and causing what the Prideland Community College administration estimates is $98.99 worth of damage to classroom furniture.
“And then the other bear dropped out of the ceiling,” Alan Alexander said.
The second bear—a pink-and-gray koala bear “with great, big fangs,” student Roosevelt Payton said—fell from above and landed atop the lava bear as the elderly Ms. Bond cheered it on. Both bears seemed oblivious to their surroundings. Mr. Harris was heard to exclaim, “What a swingin’ party!”
“The bears just wanted to fight about—” Mr. Payton said, hesitating, “—something. I don’t know. Who went over the mountain first? Who knows.”
Prideland security was called, but by the time two guards arrived to investigate the incident, there were no bears to be found. In fact, Mr. Harris and Ms. Bond were found in the student lounge exchanging business cards and discussing their travels. When security approached them, the two excused themselves for the night without further explanation.
“Mr. Harris said, ‘I’m gone, man, solid gone,’” Professor Tourtel said, mystified. “My parents were of his generation, but I never heard they talk like that.”
Immediately after Tuesday’s incident, the online syllabus for Myths & Literature indicated next week’s class would be called “Where There Be Dragons: Winged Mythical Nightmares.” As of this morning, that has been changed to “Unicorns and Gentle Virginity.”
