Penny Wise and Sewer Foolish
Keeping Tabs Weekly, Winter 2024
Harvey Trout, affectionately called “the seven-foot fish” by his pupils at Thoreau Elementary in the NYC suburb of White Pines, was declared legally dead after disappearing seven years ago this month. He was last seen on Saturday, October 28, 2017. It wasn’t until the following Monday morning, however, when he didn’t show up for class, that the police began their investigation.
At the time, Curtain Call Theater Manager Tim Matthews told White Pines police he had hired Harvey Trout to promote a recently released horror movie for the Halloween weekend and that he “was surprised that Harvey took the joke that far. He’s always been great with the kids, and I thought something was just off, you know, no pun meant, when Billy told me about the thing that happened with the arm.”
Matthews said he did not see Trout again that evening, though he assumed he would see the schoolteacher later in the weekend because “he promised to wash and return the costume.”
BACKGROUND: At 7'1" tall, Harvey Trout was known around White Pines as the “jaunty” giant. A star center for the Hawthorne Gables basketball team during its state championship season in 1990, he attended the University of Rochester for his teaching degree and returned to White Pines for the duration of his career, teaching the entire time at Thoreau Elementary. He was an active member of the Senior Suppers delivery service, the United Fellowship of White Pines Christmas Committee, and the city school board. His volunteer service in Reading Rules! activities at the library earned him an Honorary Key to the City in 2015. When asked at the ceremony why he’d worn a purple beret since returning from college, Harvey’s answer earned him his nickname: “I thought it made me look jaunty.” Harvey “Jaunty” Trout was fifty-two years old.
(Excerpted from The White Pines Gazette, Thursday, October 31, 2024, “Obituaries and Memoriams”)
POLICE REPORT (M.L.) (2017): Mitchell Longview, age 17, patron of midnight movie showing, Curtain Call Theater, White Pines Town Center. Statement taken Monday, 10/30/17, Hawthorne High School.
Mitchell Longview (M.L.) accompanied two friends (see Report S.S. and Report A.A.) to Curtain Call Theater’s Midnight Movie Mania for Halloween weekend. M.L. estimates they arrived at approximately 11:30 PM. All three indicate they encountered a small group (3-5) of other teens gathered around the curbside storm drain on the west side of Town Center Road. M.L. confirms presence of Curtain Call employee dispensing helium balloons and monitoring Mr. Trout’s safety.
Mr. Trout accessed the drainage system through a manhole entry behind the theater. Before entering, Mr. Trout was wearing white face paint, a baldhead cap, false teeth, an orange fringe wig, and a clown rental costume. Curtain Call Theater management provided this costume as part of a film promotion. (See Report T. M.) Mr. Trout then passed underneath the theater and met a Curtain Call staffer at the curbside storm drain.
According to other witnesses, Mr. Trout had been interacting with numerous theater patrons for about thirty minutes before M.L. and his friends arrived.
M.L.: They were giving out these red balloons to everybody who came over. Lots of kids were taking selfies, getting down there so Mr. Trout could grab them and show his clown fangs, looking pretty scary—for Mr. Trout, anyway.
(in response to question) Yeah, I knew it was Jaunty. We all had him in third grade. And he was so big, you couldn’t miss him—well, you couldn’t tell while he was standing down there in the sewer.
So, I went over and hunkered down by the opening. I said, “Hey, Jaunty!” and he smiled, saying, “Hiya, Mitch!” And then I heard something else—it sounded like a watery, growling hiss. I don’t think Jaunty heard it because he said, “Tell Billy to give you a balloon. They float, you know!”
It was pretty funny. I got a balloon from Billy (see Report B.C.), and I gave my phone to (S.S.) and got down there again so Mr. Trout could grab my arm like he was gonna pull me in. He snarled so his fangs were showing, but I heard that wet growl again. Like something breathing out. This time, it seemed like Mr. Trout heard it, too. Then the flash went off three times, just blinding both of us—I don’t know why he had the flash on at all, we didn’t need it—and I was looking at Mr. Trout when it got so bright. That was when I saw something behind him.
Two red eyes were coming at him, but they were far apart. Like it was something big. And I could see a snout and, like, a thousand teeth. Everything between those teeth was pink and yellow. A gullet.
Each time the flash went off, it was closer to Mr. Trout. That snout dropped toward his head.
(in response to question) I know it sounds crazy, but it looked like an alligator. And I mean a big one. But it wasn’t moving the way I’ve seen alligators on TV move—you know, back and forth, like they’re swimming or the way a snake does. This thing had its front claws off the ground and was driving itself forward with its rear claws. And it was so insanely fast.
(in response to question) Because everything just seemed to go into slow motion, that’s how. I heard what sounded like a gigantic mousetrap snapping shut, and then a crunching and popping sound, like when you squeeze a bag of potato chips. Mr. Trout was still holding onto my arm to pose for our picture, and when I freaked out and jerked away, it came with me. It was Mr. Trout’s hand and Mr. Trout’s arm, but there was no Mr. Trout attached to it.
(in response to question) It—he—his hand let go when I pulled away, and his arm fell back into the opening. The guys were laughing like they either didn’t see it or they thought it was all part of the act or something. But I was trying like hell to get away from there before whatever was down there came after me.
For just a second, I had to brace myself on the grate to push away, and when I did, something tried to grab me. A claw slammed down on the metal with four huge scaly nails that looked way too much like fingers. It missed me by inches, and I screamed. That’s when the guys realized this was no joke. They stopped laughing.
I looked back just one time before I got far enough away, and one of those red eyes was still there, staring at me, like it was memorizing my face. Like it was thinking about me. Then it blinked. And then it disappeared.
(in response to question) No, we’d all had a couple of beers, so nobody wanted to call. The kid with the balloons said something stupid, like, “And that’s the end of the show, everybody,” like it was planned. But he looked like he didn’t know what was going on either. So, we all just sort of quietly went to the movie, you know? We didn’t get out until after two in the morning, and we didn’t talk about it again until you guys came around to ask questions today.
When I looked at the pictures on my phone, you really can’t see anything. Here, I can show you. See, that’s one of the eyes right there, but it’s so hard to tell. And in the first two, Mr. Trout looks the same, but in the third one, you can see it in his face, can’t you? He looked scared. Terrified, really. And his eyes look like he’s suddenly in pain. It wasn’t there in the second photo, but you can’t miss it in the third one. Something’s hurting him.
So, that’s it, man. That’s all I know. But listen, is Mr. Trout okay?
END OF REPORT M.L.
