Like Ike: He’s One of Us
Keeping Tabs Weekly, Winter 2023
Hooah Toys, the Louisiana-based makers of the popular Battlefield Bravos action figures series, was unable to provide any additional information regarding the mechanical failure of their limited Christmas collectible figure, Infantry Ike, though their press release emphasized the voluntary recall.
“Infantry Ike will be rereleased at a later date,” Hooah Vice President of Marketing Clive Statler wrote, “once our manufacturing retooling is complete.”
Privately, however, an anonymous member of the marketing team at Hooah said, “Clive believes it was a dingbelle.”
Like gremlins during World War II, dingbelles have long been the mythical scapegoats for rationalizing abnormal mechanical failures that are embarrassingly attributable to human error. Dingbelles are said to be legendary mischief makers, tiny blue people with exceptional mechanical skills for both repair and disassembly.
“Clive thinks it was a dingbelle he calls Flush,” the anonymous source added. “He and Flush apparently don’t get along.”
A wide variety of online chat groups were flooded with posts as well as both audio and videoclips beginning December 26th, after children who received Infantry Ike for Christmas began to discover the action figure’s mechanical alteration. When the figure’s hands are pressed, Infantry Ike speaks one of two-dozen programmed statements. Nearly all of them promote Ike’s military service and training in the field. One statement, however, is responsible for the widespread response.
“I like to poop,” Ike says.
The anonymous source clarified by noting that “Clive says he and the dingbelle have been going at it ever since the dingbelle reworked the toilet tank in Clive’s private restroom to overflow as soon as someone sat down and did their business.”
“Like any good soldier,” the press release stated, “Ike is honorably comfortable with his bowel movements.”
When asked how many consumers had returned their Infantry Ike action figures for a full refund per the company’s recall notice, Hooah Toys was unable to provide an exact number. The anonymous source, however, did not hesitate: “Zero. Nobody’s returning him. Everybody loves BM Ike. And now there are people on our marketing team trying to get a dingbelle action figure released for next Christmas. We’ll call him Flush the Head.”
