From the Archives
9: A Tale of the Loch Ness Monster, or A Personal Tale
After the fall of the Berlin Wall, there was a time when information from East libraries and sources were exchanged with information from West libraries. I was 71 and in Berlin on another matter when I found this portion of a transcript in the archives of the reunited Berlin Institute for Modern History. The “boy” mentioned is me. Reading this took me back to being a teenager again, and if you did not know it already, sometimes going back over your personal history to see how other pieces of the world fit is both gratifying and terrifying. Only 993 tales to go.
English translation of audio tape provided by Berlin Institute for Modern History.
Interview conducted at Wewelsburg Castle by Hauptsturmführer Wilhelm Jordan. Also present: Ubersturmführer Kohl, Magnetophon specialist Weiss. Montag 18.10.1937, 14 Uhr 21.
W.J.: Guten Tag, mein Herr. I am Captain <Hauptsturmführer> Jordan. Welcome home from Scotland <Schottland>. We understand there were complications in your task.
E.A.: Ja, that is correct. But I resolved them.
W.J.: I see. At a great cost, as I understand it. May I see? <movement> Yes, that is a most unfortunate wound you suffered. And you were given orders directly from [REDACTED BY SOURCE] to find and map the so-called monster in Loch Ness, were you not?
E.A.: I was.
W.J.: Yet there was an incident that resulted in the loss of a valuable resource, a card you were given to “map” this monster? The card was destroyed?
E.A.: Shattered, yes. Mapping is a delicate process of obtaining an infinitesimal amount of a creature’s essence without doing harm to the creature and transcribing it onto a card to be summoned again at a later—
W.J.: This process is known to me and bores me, mein Herr.
E.A.: —time, but I was not given a second card should anything befall the first. They are easily damaged, and in this case, there was interference in my mapping. This is a failing of the system here at the castle, Captain.
W.J.: The poor marksman blames his weapon when he misses the second time. This is not your first mission to find such invisible creatures. You are very quick to lay blame for a boy with no other affiliations than this castle and its command structure.
E.A.: It is not to indicate blame, Captain. It is to inform in order to ensure the same error is not committed when another significant operation is conducted with the same ambitions.
W.J.: <<whispered consultation with Ubersturmführer Kohl before returning to interview>> I am not certain there will be additional operations after this one. There are too many unanswered questions regarding your mission to Scotland. This interference, for example.
E.A.: Perhaps you are unaware, Captain, that I have done my own research into this matter as well. The interference came from a teenage boy whose family, the Loughtys, is known to [REDACTED BY SOURCE] and to Command. The boy was at Loch Ness to map the monster as well, I believe under the guidance of his mother. His placement of a card to map the creature was regrettably in a direct field of opposition to my own, and the two cards interfered with their respective gates in the mapping process. Both cards were shattered as a result.
Despite this, I was able to avoid a direct confrontation with the boy. In this way did I preserve the secrecy of my mission. Given that I had not been given a second card by Command, however, I took it upon myself to be resourceful, and I determined it likely that the boy would have access to additional cards.
He was at the loch with his parents, so I followed them back to Kilcumein Lodge where they had parked their automobile. I borrowed another unattended automobile on the same lot, and I followed them for more than five hours north to their home.
I waited in the dark at the edge of their property until the lights went out, and then I broke into the home while they slept. I found the book—it clearly was not the boy’s, as the mother had retained it by her own bedside—and I appropriated from it two additional cards for myself. I discovered she had removed cards from the book as well, I presume to hide them from the boy, if he were to use the book as well.
W.J.: What cards was she hiding?
E.A.: I did not pursue this, Captain. I was unaware that the woman was of the Loughty lineage, so I had no reason to believe her to be more than a low-level caster with few or no ambitions. Had I known she was a sister to—
W.J.: Yes, you have made in abundantly clear that you believe you were denied intelligence despite also noting that the Loughty woman and her son lived a full day’s travel from your mission objective. Please return to your narrative of events.
E.A.: <<after extended silence>> I took two cards from the woman’s book and left their home. If I may, Captain, it would have been a perfect opportunity for assassination if Command had only told me—
W.J.: Nein, mein Herr. Your narrative of events, bitte <if you please>.
E.A.: <<after extended silence>> I returned to the loch in the automobile I had appropriated. I arrived not long after dawn, and I returned to the same location to track the monster in the loch a second time. This was a wooded area, removed from where visitors might wander. But I was taken by surprise—I expected the creature to emerge from the water, and so I prepared my card to map it based on that expectation. It was only after I was ready that I realized the monster had already come ashore. It was returning to the water when it came up behind me in the trees.
It was long-necked with a thick body and flippers. It looked like a dinosaur. I would estimate it to be larger than most horses. It was the same beast I had attempted to map the previous day when the boy with his card blocked my success. This time, however, it knew I was present, and before I could step from its path, it charged me.
It used its head to flip me into the air, and when I came down, I landed fortuitously on its back, facing forward as it awkwardly wobbled toward the water at a noteworthy speed.
W.J.: You rode the beast? You are an American cowboy. Johan Wayne.
E.A.: John.
W.J.: Continue, bitte.
E.A.: I realized it was about to race past the spot where I had placed my card to map it, so I extracted my book and, in that way, mapped the monster before it reached the water. And when I was sure I had added its essence to my card and thus to my book, I followed through with my instructions from [REDACTED BY SOURCE].
W.J.: You shot it.
E.A.: Yes.
W.J.: Did you kill it?
E.A.: No. I was in the loch by then, and it had begun to dive for deeper water. I disengaged, and as I did, its head turned toward me under the surface. I could see it approaching me again. So, I drew my pistol and shot it in the skull. But it did not stop. In fact, I could see no evidence that my bullet did any harm to it—physically. However, as I pulled myself ashore again, it was clearly angered. It tried to bite me. I must correct myself: It did bite me.
W.J.: Is that how this happened to you?
E.A.: Yes.
W.J.: As I said before, it is an unfortunate wound. But you are surely aware, mein Herr, that it is customary to shoot disabled soldiers. How is it that you are here, do you suppose?
E.A.: Because the loss of a hand does not disable me if I am not a soldier.
W.J.: Spy, soldier, these are interchangeable terms. I see no reason to deviate from procedure. Have you surrendered this card of the monster from Loch Ness? That would be the proper next step.
E.A.: No, I have not. Let me show you the card, Captain Jordan. I sense you feel I should be shot now, so I would like to show you my value. Perhaps you will reconsider. This is my book. It is remarkably lightweight. Please, do not touch it, Captain. This is the card in question. I found the creature and mapped it at great personal sacrifice, so I had hoped to show [REDACTED BY SOURCE] what is possible with it, but I would just as happily show you. It is awkward but not impossible for me to hold the book at the same time as I touch the card, as you can see. Now—
<<crashing sounds accompanied by unintelligible shouts and then a massive thudding noise, a gargling snarling sound, and a man’s high shriek>>
E.A.: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you, Ubersturmführer. You might shoot the captain by mistake, and he is already in great pain, given the loss of his ear that way. I hope he can remain a soldier now, eh?
Kohl: What is this monster you’ve brought here? You must let the captain go now! What are you doing?
<<shrieking stops, heavy moving sound as something shifting its body weight>>
E.A.: I’m going to send the monster away now, do you understand? Good. When I do, you—your name is Weiss, and you are the Magnetophon specialist?—you, Weiss, will take Captain Jordan to the infirmary to have his ear examined, and you will stay until he regains consciousness, when you will tell him what transpired here. Understood?
<whispered affirmation from Weiss>
And Ubersturmführer Kohl, I have a different task for you, bitte. I would like you to go to Herr [REDACTED BY SOURCE] and inform him that I wish an audience with him to discuss my next mission. I believe when you explain to him how threatened I felt by Captain Jordan, and my reaction to those threats, he will arrange this audience immediately. When it is set, come to find me. I will be in the village below the castle at the first kneipe <pub> I find. Is that all clear?
Kohl: Ja, Herr Ackler.
E.A.: Then, auf wiedersehen …or until we don’t meet again, eh?
